Sundar's Guide to Corporate E-Mail Writing

This article will give you an heads up on how best to write emails in any corporate culture, and live to tell the tale.

1. Open any email client
Usually this is Microsoft Outlook, and therefore this discussion assumes Outlook as the software being used.

2. Type in the subject
In the Sub: field, type in the subject of your email. Experts say this should not be more than three words. However, it should be bombastic enough to capture the attention of the folks lazing it out onsite, so it doesn't really matter if it doesn't make any sense. Suppose you were writing to the Electricity Board regarding frequent power outages, do not say "Frequent Power Cuts" in the subject line because they'd have gotten a million mails with the same subject, and probably would have automatically forwarded them to their junk folder. Therefore, go in for something that'd keep them sufficiently confused, like "Electron Flow Deficiency". You could of course, try something innovative, like "Brazilian Bikini Girls", but that really is your call.

3.Salutation
Gone are the days when we wrote long winding leave letters beginning with "Respected Sir/Madam, As I was suffering from...".
These days all you do is start off with a simple 'Hi'. Then, you type in the first name of the addressee. Even if he/she happens to be the Supreme Commander of the Imperial Forces. Something like "Hi Darth" should do fine!

4. Type in the message
You had it easy so far. All you did was type in three random words. Now comes the tough part. You have to compose a KISS email. Hang on! Before you go into rhapsodies, you have to know that KISS is an acronym for Keep It Short and Simple. That is really hard, because till last year you were writing 44 page long epics on obscure quality practices in Total Quality Management. There is also the added problem of making the email sound like you've been working your ass off when in reality you've been experimenting with ways to make the coffee dispenser churn out more milk.
Don't worry! There is a simple trick to get around this conundrum: Throw in as many acronyms as possible. Masters of email writing usually start with a simple 'FYI', which stands for 'For Your Information'. (I think. No one's really sure) Alternative beginnings include PFB (Please Find Below), (Yeah, like I didn't know I'd find the message below), and PFA (Please Find Attached). The usage of the last one is highly not recommended unless you have a spreadsheet full of random numbers and column headers like "Net planned/unplanned task efforts ratio" to send in.
Now, think hard on what productive work you've done since morning. It's not much, I know, but every little bit counts.
Right, you spent the morning reading Harry Potter erotica. Here's what you say:
Analyzed the FSD (Functional Specification Document) and the existing code to enumerate the list of changes to be made to include said enhancement into the product. Documented the dependencies and regression defects likely to be injected and have checked the file into the network. Then, rename the said Harry Potter book as "Dependencies and likely Regression Defects Injected by Enhancement No 4.3.72" and check it in. Trust me, no-one's ever going to open that document.
There, you've accounted for the morning. Of course, you then went and took your two hour lunch break.
What next?
You created an empty class at 2 P.M in a fit of workaholism. You typed out the name of the class, opened a curly bracket, pressed the carriage return down a couple of times, and closed it. How do you describe that? Suppose the class was called UserInteractionMonitor, this is what you type in: Created a concrete wrapper class called UserInteractionMonitor that implements the IUserInteractionMonitor interface and implemented the methods exposed by the interface.
Although you've made a couple of striking points, you still run the risk of being accused of shirking work (not without reason), so you need something that really clinches the deal. It's easy. Open all available documentation. Some Star Trek obsessed geek in the client's IT team is bound to have created a method called FutileResistance() whose sole function would be to display the message "This is the Borg. You'll be assimilated. Resistance is futile." All you have to do is to put an issue in the issue tracker saying that this method couldn't be used by you and that you were not able to figure out its purpose, and that it wasn't part of the design, and that it was stopping you from your work.
There you've said what you did today. But what do you plan to do tomorrow? Continuing in the previous vein, this is what you say:
"Going forward, (this phrase is absolutely essential in any email. More important than the subject), we'll be working on the User Interaction Monitor pending clarification on the functionality of the FutileResistance() method.
Presto! Your message is ready!

5. Sign
Yours truly, yours sincerely, faithfully, obediently, and all that jazz are a little dated. Damn those English classes that drilled such stuff into my head. All you have to put in is "thanks", or perhaps "thanks and regards", and type in half your first name, or whatever it is everyone calls you.

6. To
Put in the email ids of all the people you think should read this mail.

7. Cc
The email ids of all those people who do not need to look at this email, but must be given the pretense of respect.

8. Bcc
Your girlfriend. You don't have one I know, but still :)

Here is a sample email...

From Sundar.sarang.07@gempire.com
To Dart.Vader@gempire.com
cc Palpatine@gempire.com; Sate@gempire.com

Sub Jedi Invasion

Msg
Hi Darth,
PFB updates for today.
An old Jedi Master, Obi Wan Kenobi has boarded the Ship.
FYI, he wields a colorful tubelight which he thinks will slay random robots.
Going forward, you'll feel him in the Force.
So far, he has damaged three relay conduits and beheaded a robot. We have raised an issue with the damage control team who'll be replacing the said components before EOD. PFA the damage assessment report.
We fired three support staff today because we found their lack of faith disturbing.
We are also facing slow connectivity with the engineering division. Please look into it and do the needful.

Thanks & regards,
Sundar
Chief Commander, Vetti Timepass Division.

I was bored

So, I posted this. Die, all ye evil fiends who behold this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_ZOanmYJMM&feature=related

Autofellows galore!

This is the mail that is making rounds in my office for the past two days.

Superstar's song for those who do not understand English:

I am autofellow autofellow
Four knowing route fellow
Justice having rate fellow
Good people mix fellow
Nice singing song fellow
Gandhi borning country fellow
Stick take means hunter fellow
Big people's relation fellow
Mercy having mind fellow da
I am all poor's relative fellow da
I am always poor people's relative fellow da
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only

Town become big, population become big
Bus expecting, half age over
Life become hectic in time, exist in corner of street
Ada eye beat means love coming they telling
You hand clap means auto coming I telling
Front coming look, this three-wheel chariot
Good come and arrive, you trust and climb up
Mercy having mind fellow da
I am always poor people's relative fellow da
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only

Mummy motherfolk, danger not leave
Heat or cyclone, never I never tell
There there hunger take means, many savoury
Measurement food is one time
For pregnancy I come free mummy
Your child also name one I keep mummy
Letter lacking person ada trusting us and coming
Address lacking street ada auto fellow knowing
Achak means achak only ; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only ; Gumuk means gumuk only


I found it extremely funny.

Achak means achak only, gumuk means gumuk only, that takes the cake!

Edit: Listen to the original song if you wanna.

Define Triboluminescence

Richard Feynman, in Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman, narrates the following in a chapter called O Americano, Outra Vez!, where he talks about his experiences teaching in Brazil:

...Then they asked, "When light comes at an angle through a sheet of material with a certain thickness, and a certain index N, what happens to the light?"

"It comes out parallel to itself, sir -displaced."

"And how much is it displaced?"

"I don't know sir, but I can figure it out." So he figured it out. He was very good, but by this time, I had my suspicions.

After the exam, I went up to this bright young man, and explained to him that I was from the United States, and that I wanted to ask him some questions that would not affect the results of his exam in any way. The first question I ask is, "Can you give me some example of a diamagnetic substance?"

"No."

Then I asked, "If this book was made of glass, and I was looking at something on the table through it, what would happen to the image if I tilted the glass?"

"It would be deflected sir, by twice the angle that you've turned the book."

I said, "You haven't got it mixed up with a mirror, have you?"

"No, sir!"

He had just told me in the examination that the light would be displaced, parallel to itself, and therefore the image would move over to one side, but would not be turned by any angle. He had even figured out how much it would be displaced, but he didn't realize that a piece of glass is a material with an index, and that his calculation had applied to my question...


Another excerpt:

...One other thing that I could never get them to do was to ask questions. Finally a student explained it to me: "If I ask you a question during the lecture, afterwards, everybody will be telling me, 'What are you wasting our time for in the class? We're trying to learn something. And you're stopping him by asking a question.'"

It was a kind of one-upmanship, where nobody knows what's going on, and they'd out the other one down as if they did know. They all fake that they know, and if one student admits that something is confusing for a moment by asking a question, the others take a high-handed attitude, acting as if it's not confusing at all, telling him that he's wasting their time...

Yet another excerpt:

...So, I came in, carrying the elementary physics textbook that they used in the first year of college. They thought this book was especially good because it had different kinds of typeface-bold black for the most important things to remember and so on...

..."I have discovered something else," I continued, "By flipping the pages at random, and putting my finger in and reading the sentences on that page, I can show you what's the matter-how it's not science, but memorizing, in every circumstance. Therefore, I am brave enough to flip through the pages now, in front of this audience, to put my finger in, to read, and to show you."

So I did it. Brrrrrrrup -I stuck my finger in, and I started to read: "Triboluminescence. Triboluminescence is the light emitted when crystals are crushed..."

I said, "And there, have you got science? No! You have only told what a word means in terms of other words. You haven't told anything about nature -what crystals produce light when you crush them, why they produce light. Did you see any student go home and try it? He can't.

"But if, instead, you were to write, 'When you take a lump of sugar and crush it with a pair of pliers in the dark, you can see a bluish flash. Some other crystals do that too. Nobody knows why. The phenomenon is called "triboluminescence."' Then someone will go home and try it... "



Now, in my humble opinion, the education system in India is definitely better than this (Brazil in the 50s or 60s I think), but not too far ahead. I was able to relate to a lot of what was said above, from my own experiences in school. A lot of education here is still rote learning based, and no one knows exactly what they are learning.

Pity, don't you think?

Random Blog Update

Training got over at last and I was posted (un)fortunately to my home town. Problem is, my work place is some 30 kilometers from my home and in the middle of nowhere. I'm one of the lucky fellows. A few people have to travel 60 kms just to get to work. It's a bit of a bore trying to get at 8 AM to some place that was formerly where untreatable lepers were banished to. More so because I have no work to do there. As yet. I'll get a system and a cubicle allocated to me by monday hopefully. No one's chuffed spending nine hours in the food court.

Things will get better from next week. Hopefully.

Bye for now!

I was tagged!

Karthik was completely vetti, and he tagged me. Which means I have to write answers to some of the questions he was forced to answer, and then force 6 other people to answer them too. And generally make a bad name for myself, which happens to be one of my few proficiencies. So, here goes.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Leave.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
Eternal holiday in some island, great music, cute girls.. -The works.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
Anyone's that presents itself ideally... Kicking other people's butts is quite entertaining. So, never miss opportunities.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Spend it. I always end up spending all my money without having a clue as to where it went. So, I am confident in my capability of spending a billion dollars without ever noticing it. Charity might just about feature somewhere in there.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
Usually I'd pretend not to notice when someone asks such questions. Anyway, why not? (I'm assuming my best friend is a girl here)

6. Original Q: Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I'm ok with either one, as long as there is sex involved. :) Um, ok, bad joke. Being loved is cool no?

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
Rest of my (short miserable) life, and all that jazz. But I'll be having fun doing the things I love to do.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Get attached to someone else. It only was a secret no? So, no major slagging to be endured :)

9. If you like to act with someone, who will it be? Your gf/bf or an actress/actor?
Bips, Namita, etc etc.

10. What takes you down the fastest?
Gravity is the first answer that comes to my mind. Well, I'm sure thats not the answer you want to hear, so, lemme take a shot at something more cheesy: An idle mind is the devil's workshop. I become terribly irritated, depressed, bored, and generally extremely pissed off with the world whenever I'm idle. That's what takes me down the fastest. I'm ok as long as I have something on my hands.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
Hopefully, having fun.

12. What’s your fear?
Physical violence. Being the runt that I have always been, I've had quite a few fights where I've come off second best. It isn't a great feeling, I assure you.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
He tagged me, and not only that, asked such lame, miserable questions. So, I do have a few opinions, which I'd like not to air, because, his mummy paavam, and his daddy paavam too.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Rich. Single, or married, I don't care.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Snooze the alarm clock a couple of times. Then drag myself out of bed. Make critical decisions as to whether there's time for a bath. :) There, anyone reading this isn't going to stray within 10 metres of me now. Then have breakfast. (Never skip that one though) and make the most crucial decision of the day: Should I go back to bed anyway?

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
All? No. Some here and there. Never all.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
Inky pinky ponky, father had a donkey, someone died, somebody cried, inky pinky ponky. Then pick the one with the bigger boobs. Um, there's got to be some criteria no? Ok, scratch that last sentence out. I'll pick the one with better common sense.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
Wish I could, but I know I can't. So, I won't. (I mean, if I can't, I won't either, will I?)

19. If its your last day and you have one call to make, whom would you call? Dont tell me your mom. Someone else. (Original qn:What are your three most important expectations in love )
I'd call my mobile service provider, and say: You can't trouble me anymore with offers of bank loans, and extended call timings, and slashed rates, and free sex etc... nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah. What else? You put out the mom option.

Three most important expectations in love:
1. No conditions. Unconditional love.. You know? That most cliched saying of all time.
2. Follow expectation 1 sincerely.
3. Follow expectation 1 sincerely. (redundancy included just in case you skipped to the 3 expectation directly. It tends to happen when people are reading boring blog posts. Especially the ones that result from tagging)

20. List 6 people to tag:
1. Raja Deepak (He probably wont notice this anyway)
2. Dickie (Less commonly known as Arun M)
3. Visu
4. Pilps (Yeah, that's you vatsala. :))
5. Bujji (Sumalatha)
6. Janani

Phew. That's over then.

It's a tough game

I've been going to tennis class for the past three weeks. And have made absolutely no headway. I can play the rally and the volley with some semblance of competence, but when it comes to receiving a fast serve, I come up a cropper. This is because when playing otherwise, the ball bounces and sort of sits up to be hit and all you have to do is to sprint and position yourself and roll the racket over the ball. Running is not a problem. Run Forrest, run! is the sort of running that I do. However, when it comes to receiving a serve, the ball sort of tends to skid on towards you. The exact sort of delivery that you'd love to receive while opening the batting. This however, is not cricket, but a far more profound game with much deeper ramifications. For a change, it is nice to play a game without having to dress up like an astronaut. Cricket still is my favourite game, but it does have it's limitations. I must learn to control the ball and place it over the net when receiving the serve. And also learn to stop charging towards the net at the start of the serve. It does you no good, especially if you don't want to be carried away on a stretcher.

Um, I've so far been avoiding the subject of the actual service. No one knows how to make the perfect serve. In fact no one knows what the perfect serve in the first place really is! People are divided in their opinion. Perfectly sane people make completely insane remarks when asked to describe the perfect serve. Why, my own good friend Raja Deepak once launched into deep reminiscences about tackling a thrashing alligator in the course of serving an ace.

In essence, it is simple. You throw the ball up, hit it as hard as you can, score the point, walk over to the other corner and serve again till you get the game. However, when our coach first started explaining the dynamics behind the serve, most people left the court as a quivering mass of transparent green jelly. I mean, who can all at once stand with the feet spread apart so that it traces the top and bottom strokes of the number 1 (Who knew it had so many strokes in the first place?), hold the ball lightly in your non-throwing arm, bring it around in a semi-circle, throw it straight up so that you can point at it with your left hand, throw your shoulder backwards, ensure the ball travels at least above the height of the tip of your racket held straight up while standing upright, wait for the ball to come down, and then smack it hard, aiming at that small piece of real-estate so far away? In any case, my coach reckons we'd be good to go if we can put in 5 out of every ten serves because we're allowed two attempts to get each serve right. I can only do three or four at the most.

I've realised a lot also depends on who you are playing the game with. You don't want to play with copper mandaiyan because all he does is to make desperate attempts to take out his own eye. It does absolutely no good for your game. You should also avoid playing with the huge guy with tattooed arms not because he is a great player, but because he has the tendency to hit the ball out of the court and into the marshes, and given that the muscular tattooed ones have the tendency to boss over the puny, non-muscular, un-tattooed ones, you know on whom the onus of retrieving the astray ball falls.