Saturday, March 25, 2006

The Men In Blue

We in India tend to be cricket crazy, but only a little. We know our limits. At the most we boo at our failed cricketers, hurl rocks, make obscene gestures (which are promptly returned) or attempt suicide. In return our cricketers show a lot of dedication, passion and give their all every game as I realized recently.

Rahul Dravid (captain)
This man is a highly talented fellow who used to have the habit of turning his back to the ball whenever he was batting and used to take an average of twenty balls to get off the mark, much to the annoyance of the non-striker. It is generally agreed he has lost this habit now. However, since becoming captain, maybe he has made a new habit of winning the toss, but without much consequence.

Sachin Tendulkar
The most experienced man in the team, this man has hit an uncountable number of centuries and fifties. These days however, he forever seems to be either in a bad patch or recovering from an injury.

Anil Kumble
If all the members of the Indian team were asked to drop their pants, you would probably find this man to have the most worn out knees, among other things, because he invariably makes "valiant efforts" on the field by sliding after the ball on his knees. While bowling, he rarely turns the ball, but claims he turns the ball half the width of the bat, thereby getting the edge. However, I suspect most batsmen get out because they never get used to having a leg-spinner bowl so fast.

Virendar Sehwag
He can clobber Waqar Younis over third man for six. That's about all he does. Invariably instructed by the team management to play his natural game, he gets out with a strike rate of two hundred...having faced five balls.

Gautham Gambhir
Sportstar recently gave him a rating of 3/10. That pretty much speaks for itself. However, he is retained in the team for his message passing capabilities as a drinks man or "super sub".

Yuvraj Singh
He won the match for India at the Natwest final, some four years ago, and people still talk about that to justify his selection in the team. Other reasons for his selection in the team include his astounding ability to dive into the ground or throw himself all around the ball, without affecting its progress to the boundary at all.

Mohamed Kaif
A gem of a person off the field, he is a GEM of a person on it. (GEM : Ginger Eaten Monkey). His batting stance and ability to hit the stumps long after the running batsman has crossed the crease will prove my point to you.

Irfan Pathan
A left arm "pace" bowler, this man can swing the ball prodidiously, only to find that the batsman has clobbered it for four, or gone wide. Also an upcoming batsman, he regularly scores more than the top order batsmen.

Harbhajan Singh
This man regularly comes in the dreams of the Aussies wearing a Putka, sporting a pointed tail and holding a syth in his hand. Harbhajan is a very emotional type, and can work himself into a frenzy on taking a wicket, even if it involved a number 11 batsman getting holed out at long on.

M S Dhoni (Wicket Keeper)
He was selected in the team for being a hard hitter of the cricket ball and a passable keeper, but cemented his place in the team recently when he made the President of Pakistan insecure with his hair-style. He recently discovered that no one could fool a man twice with the same trick even if he was a Sardarji when he holed out to Monty Panessar at mid-off in the final innings of the third test against England.

Munaf Patel
At last a fast bowler for India who looks like a fast bowler and also bowls fast. He however, seems to be terribly unlucky, what with his team members dropping catches off his bowling without fail. One hopes to God he will not have too many injuries, lest he be pushed into the sidelines and later be completely forgotten. Remember Balaji?

Sreeshanth, RP Singh and Ajith Agarkar
The other fast bowlers for India. The first two have had good matches, but are yet to prove themselves by bowling the last over when the opposition needs six runs, with two wickets in hand. The other has the "uncanny knack" of picking up wickets, of batsmen number nine, ten and eleven when they are going for runs in the end overs, and attributes it to "reverse swing". He is a senior member without too much experience.

Coach Greg Chappell
This Australian beat people like Jimmy Amarnath, who is making a fool of himself on Fourth Umpire making people rather relieved he was not the coach, to become the coach of Team India. He has the distinction of being the second most laptop touting cricket coach in the world, the first being Bob Woolmer. Chappell can not even dream of comng close to Woolmer in the sense that Chappell only plays Minesweeper when a match is in progress, while Woolmer plays Quake. Chappell is so dedicated a coach for the team that he regularly injures himself, especially his middle finger.

India is truly well on its way to winning the world cup next year.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Second most scariest thing...

Backmasking is a technique of hiding messages in songs. I recently listened to the song "Jingle Bells" and felt it was scary when I heard the song in reverse. So scary that I shrieked and threw my headphones at the screen. Click here to listen to this.

This was the second most scary thing I have encountered in my life... The most scariest being seeing S.J.Suriya dancing to the song Mayil Iragaey... on Sun Music the first time.

Friday, March 17, 2006

A Phenomenon called Raja Deepak

Mr. A. Raja Deepak is an aberration in the normal stream of things. He is a temporal anomaly in the space time continuum. He has caused an interrupt in the smooth Mandelbrot's fractal functioning of the expanding universe, and has been responsible for paradigm shifts in a definite number of infinite parallel universes.

Well, that doesnt say everything about my good friend Raja Deepak because we all cause all of these phenomenons ourselves. This Raja Deepak is my class mate ever since he walked into my class in our orientation program on the 27th of October, some 2004 years since a man was nailed to the cross for suggesting people be nice for a change (My tribute to Douglas Adams). Raja Deepak is crazy in the sense that he does not have the chemical dopamine linking the neurons in his brain. He just has dope.

I found that he and I have a lot in common and became thick friends. However, we constantly are bickering at each other because we have so much not in common. For example, I prefer a low key life-style whereas he likes to have a high key lifestyle but doesn't take the effort necessary to lead the pop-culture lifestyle. The above demonstrated self-countering as a subset of countering oneself is another trait we have in common.

Raja Deepak is net savvy to an extent, but is always unwilling to find and download anything his friends ask of him, and invariably comes up with an excuse to evade that. Other than that, he is quite a good fellow. Of course, he sent some two hundred messages and two score missed calls to a girl he had a crush on, much to the chagrin of the poor victim who had her phone taken away from her as a result.

He trusts teachers he likes too much, but quickly jumps to the conclusion that he doesn't like a teacher. His thought processes are always set to the wrong processes at the priority, thereby leaving him totally confused in situations that necessitate tact, shrewedness, and guile, and completely helpless and useless. The kinds of situations I am talking about include those situations in which you would normally expect your friends to take the cue from you and play accordingly in front of a professor or friend when it is necessary. He is a bit of a fool I should say. For example, he insists on sitting on one of the concrete benches in the college despite it being time for class. On asked about this, he usually responds with a "No problem, we can talk our way out if the prof. asks us why we were late", but when it actually comes to being questioned by a teacher, he keeps his mouth shut, or even if he does open his mouth, he barks his head off. I am not saying that I have all these qualities, but I atleast do not make such statements, and go to class early at all times. If you are reading this post and if you are called Raja Deepak according to your birth certificate, then please try to remember what happened at the informals finals at Crescent Engg. college, what happened at the library when we went there during class hours, and who ended up talking his way out. Moreover, If you are Raja Deepak, I would also like to say one more thing. I am sorry if I have offended you in any way. In case you still are feeling offended, then you are by all means free to feel offended. After all, it is a right granted to every Indian citizen under sec. 18 clause (b), paragraph (h), or somewhere with a similar description.

Raja Deepak has good general knowledge, as was evident from the way he answers questions in quizzes and stuff. He also is a good tennis player but takes great pains to avoid actually playing the game, as was evident from the fact that he went all the way to Madurai to participate in a tennis tournament, but returned home without playing a single game because he failed to register for the event. If he however tells you something about being the coach, manager, drinks boy etc., be assured that he is lying to save his own skin.

As I said, he and I have a lot in common, and many of the traits I have described above also apply to me. That's why he and I are good friends. (At this conjuncture, it is very tempting to write another post and call it "A phenomenon called Navneeth", but let's leave it at that)

Raja Deepak, on the whole is a cool guy, who laughs easily, and doesn't take things too seriously. He has a lot of friends who are intent on giving him the B'day bums. He has various ambitions in life such as completing a certain mission Pav Bhajji. He listens to a lot of songs and is highly knowledgeable in this field. It is amazing that he learnt Hindi only by watching movies. On the whole, I would say that his positives far outweigh his negatives, making him a jolly good fellow to hang around with, notwithstanding the fact that he looks thirty when he hasn't shaved and is mistaken for a professor routinely, even by final year students.

Well, that's that.

Sundararajan .S

P.S.: What Is Your Opinion About The Subject?

Monday, March 13, 2006


In case you're mistaken, it was I who added the comments within brackets last post. So, you are not allowed to copy-paste the whole thing without my written permission ;-) . Hey, just kidding!!!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Errr-What was that again?

I received the following message as an email. So would you. I however noticed a few somethings here and there...

1 If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side. (How do you know that it is not the other way around? If you chew your food on the left side you are left handed...)
2 If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off. (Typical human anatomy. Nothing works the way you want it to)
3 Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it. (What about black???)
4 The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or nothing'. (And the Hindustan Ambassador motto means 'Old-wives' car that doesn't suit anyone except old wives')
5 The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal. (No wonder no one nearby recognized it!!!)
6 The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing. (Ever since I joined college, it has been shut tight)
7 The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night. (I dont smoke, yet I sleep more than twelve hours if let to. Imagine how many I would sleep if only I smoked!!!)
8 Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day. (I dont think I have laughed more than once since I joined college!)
9 Dalmatians are born without spots. (Maybe its only we humans who see the spots.)
10 Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. (Even a bat can obey traffic rules and keep to the left... but you cant!)
11 Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left. (So that it is easy for the men to undo them?)
12 The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee. (Can you imagine people calling their girlfriends "Digested waste excreted by a bee?")
13 Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die (Aaaah...Aaaah...Tishooooo...Oh My God!)
14 When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red (My Class Advisor last semester...)
15 The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor (Reports say that it could run faster than a current day TVS-Excel)
16 Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros (The average number of hits you get for any search term!!!)
17 Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan. (The First World war broke out when ArchDuke Francis Ferdinand accidentally said "Let's have the Hags Flung out" whan he actually meant "Let's have Flags Hung out")
18 It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it. (A hundred years from now, they'll be making a movie on the movie itself at a budget of 50 billion)
19 There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower (and another 1792 to get back to firm ground!)
20 Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death. (Dunno how many graves they dug up to establish this)
21 The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets (Guess what people preferred to call the chief guest at our sports day?)
22 Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game. (I dont think I have run that much in my life)
23 Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die. (Beg your pardon?)
24 In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it is smiling).(mocking more like...You cant dream of owning me Nyah-Nyah-Nyah-Nyah-Nyah)
25 Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself." (quite a few of my teeth have hanged themselves too, since I started using colgate)
26 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. (Ever notice my rich, beautiful lusturous hair?)
27 Women blink nearly twice as much as men. (That's because half the time, men are winking one of their eyes at women who in turn blink both eyes back in incomprehension.)
28 German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog. (I thought German Shepards were intelligent...)
29 Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump. (Jump half that distance at the next Olympics and they will hang a gold coin tied with a ribbon around your neck)
30 Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound. (So, the next time you are getting whip-lashed, pause to marvel at the intrigues of science)
31 Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. (Pigs will be pigs)

Friday, March 03, 2006

The Average Dan Brown Novel

I just finished reading the Dan Brown novel The Da Vinci Code. This man seems to have quite a knack for spinning yarns of the fourth kind. So far, I have read three of his novels, Angels and Demons, Digital Fortress and the afore mentioned. The one thing the man is good at is being persuasive. His writings are like the voice of Saruman.

His first book of the 'genre' he is following at present was the Digital Fortress. He then went on to write other Deception Point, Angels and Demons, and all the other brain busting nonsense he could come up with. One thing that has to be said is that he learns well from past experiences. The Digital Fortress dealt with a lot of physical and currently happening things, thereby leading to a lot of controversies, by which Spain even invited him to a free tour of their country to prove to him how good the health-care, transport and telephone systems were. In this book, the actual locations and descriptions of many buildings and monuments were contested and proven to be wrong.

Our Danny fellow seems to have realized his mistakes since then. He has decided to write stuff that no one would actually bother to verify because they are too tough to verify!!! In those rare places he does provide actual references to real objects or people he now does his homework more thoroughly.

The first book that I read was the Angels and Demons. Here, I thought I had an inclination of the subject but was unwilling to jump to conclusions having not read him before. Then I read Digital Fortress and was able to quite identify the plot and the ending. A person with a higher IQ and General Knowledge would have done far better! The Da Vinci Code was written when he was at the peak of his form and I was not able to identify the exact course of the plot, but was saying "Hmmm, must have guessed that earlier..." because that's how any Dan Brown book goes about.

What happens in a Dan Brown Novel :

1. The Hero wakes up to a ringing phone in the wee ours of the morning only to be intimated of a gruesome murder.

2. Our Hero goes to the spot immediately and is given the arduous task of identifying the killer(s).

3. Suspicion may or may not fall on our Hero. However, he takes to his heels, picking up a girlfriend along the way.

4. He is followed close behind by "authorities" whoever they maybe, whom he regularly looses and regains.

5. The story is punctuated with a needless chase by an anonymous or irrelevant character whom we could have done without.

6. The Hero's boss or superior or friend who directs him in escaping turns out to be a traitor.

7. That the helper is a traitor is revealed to our Hero by a mistake kindergarteners would not have done.

8. Our Hero crosses international borders as if they were the doorsteps to the local public toilet.

9. Our Hero solves ancient mysteries within minutes by just glancing at clues.

10. The storyline makes use of non-existent scientific theories and principles to great effect.

11. Our Hero correctly identifies that great personalities of the past belonged to secret societies with pointless rituals.

12. Our Hero solves the mystery and "saves the world" in the nick of the moment.

13. Barely twenty-four hours after the adventure begins, our Hero and his new found girlfriend are turning in for the night.

14. The back cover of the book consists of a secret code that when deciphered, reveals the titles of the books yet to be released by the author that would further refer to future books, all having the same storyline.

15. While all other authors put out a disclaimer at the front accepting responsibility for any factual errors, our Hero (Here I mean Dan Brown) says "The Priori of sion really exsists, and has had many prominent members including Galileo, Michealangelo, Jesus Christ, Napoleon, Alexander, Mata Hari, Mussolini, Gandhi, Nehru, and Laloo Prasad Yadav...." Future books may come out with claims that a so-and-so secret society had a member from a planet called Krypton and go on to claim that there really was a Superman who still lives in an obscure town called Manhattan working for a village TV Station called CNN.

Well thats all isn't it? When The Solomon Key comes out, just take the basic concept involved and juxtapose it with the above outlined "protocol" and Presto! You have the story!

Yours Illuminati,