Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Orkutting and groundnutting

There happens to be an online social networking service that was created by a turkish software engineer in his free time while others were socially networking offline. This could have been the end of the story had it not been for equally jobless Brazilians and Indians who decided to give an absolutely useless service a big boost while they could have done as well without it.

Now orkut claims it helps you socialize, make new acquaintances and find others who share your interests. What it does not claim is that it has the tendancy to irritate you to the core. Now, orkut is pretty fast unlike an earlier service called hi5 which could drive you up the wall with its excruciatingly slow interface. That's why orkut has attained considerable popularity despite coming with a light blue interface that cause your eyes to water.

Here are some of the "purposeful" things you could do as an active member of orkut.

1. Chat with Raja Deepak. This is one horrendous pastime. If you are weak of heart, please stay away. He can drive you nuts with his comprehension of everything you say. His view of life in general tends to be garbled, as he rarely talks about anything other than orkut and all the potential girlfriends you could have.

2. Chat with anyone else. Preferrably with members of the opposite sex. Have a good time, but once again dont let Raja Deepak see your scrapbook. He will most probably throw a fit.

3. Profile surfing. Now that is one easy and very entertaining activity you could do. You choose one friend at random from all your friends, and then systematically read the profiles of all the girls in his list. What screws you up is that none of the promising girls ever put up their photos.

4. Communities and the rest. You join up a load of communities and never give any of them a second thought. Hmm.. except those that offer links to porn videos. But that apart, all people ever do is receive massive numbers of junk mails in portuguese. I still havent figured out the meaning of "Opa tudo bom?" a message I must have received a million times.

5. Forward junk mail. This is a highly profitable business. I recommend you resign your job and take this up. I mean, who is going to satisfy the wants of the teeming masses of people who want to read about the thirteen symptoms of love, the kindness of Mother Theresa, or whether Shane Bond has three balls? And, oh yes there are the omnipresent offers to make money from home- by reading junk mail. I told you to resign your job didn't I?

Well, these are the things you can do, but first you have to edit your own profile. All you have to do is put up your name, (or anyone else's) or a caption (I still am reeling from "Life is a paramelody" that Raja Deepak managed to put up some time ago), and a photo. If you are a girl, put up something girly (yucky) like photos of Barbie, rather than your own photo, because that seems to be the socially accepted norm. Then write a couple of lines about yourself (once again Raja Deepak stunned people by suggesting that paramelodies start with 'A' and end with 'Z'. And I thought only the English alphabet could exhibit such behaviour). Once you have done all that write about what turns you on, what turns you off, whether you have pierced your navel, and what one would tend to find in your bedroom apart from yourself. Having done that you go and configure your crush list. Pick the girl you have always had a soft corner for (but who would never give you a second thought) and add her to your cruh list. If the female in question adds you to her crush list as well, orkut will take you one step closer to holy matrimony by sending you a message which you'd most probably delete the next morning among the scores of junk mail you get each day.

Hey presto, you are a seasoned user of orkut. You have ruined your life, choked up your nation's bandwidth, and increased the number(power) of your spectacles.

The only advantages to orkut are that you can learn portuguese swear words, and of course popularize your blog. Now leave a comment and get back to orkut.

Yours paramelodiously,