In this edition of The Fortnightly News, we bring you all the latest news from the past fortnight in a concise and up-to-date format.
Friday, May 18.
The Wumpus is Dead!
The Wumpus is now dead. He expired at around 10 A.M today in his residence of natural causes after he was attacked by an Artificially Intelligent agent that shot at him after it smelled a "Stench" when prowling around his house in search for gold (Please note that to be killed by an agent is natural in the realm of the Wumpuses). The Wumpsor residence was picketed by a mad rush of artificially intelligent agents shortly after news of his death was confirmed, all of which trying to see if they could execute a "Grab" action to make some easy money (After all AI agents are designed by humans). He is survived by his wife, Mrs Wumpus, and their two sons, Wumpus Jr. and Wumpy. Mr. Wumpy is slated to become the next Wumpus-in-Chief, and will be coronated later this week. Wumpus Jr. was passed over since he lacked the pre-requisite qualification of having hairy fore-arms. (Other non-family contenders included Vijay T.R.Rajendherr and Raja Deepak). This is the biggest tragedy to strike the Wumpus family since the Wumpus was kidnapped by a wrongly programmed AI agent in 1968 after it falsely executed a "Grab" action after it smelled a "Stench", and the killing of Princess Wumpianna, wife of Wumpus Jr., in 1997, after she was chased by a group of erratic AI agents into a pit.
Monday, May 21.
Gargle Announces New Software
Super-Large multinational company Gargle announced a new product called a Peephole Optimizer for home use by the general public. It is a new visual aid for the nosy-neighbour impaired people of the world. Fundamentally it is a hole in the door that allows one to look at people standing outside the door, trying to gain access into your home (or into the door opposite your apartment). Gargle has announced that the basic version will be free, but users will have to pay for the premium, silver, and gold editions. Premium versions come with a glass viewfinder to prevent pranksters from poking your eye when you're lookin through it. The silver edition comes with a bifocal lens to help the elderly, while the gold edition is going to have a cross-hair in case you want help in shooting the person standing outside your door.
Wednesday, May 23.
Riot in Engineering Colleges
Riots broke out in many engineering colleges after students were asked to name any six context free questions in an exam. People felt this was a serious violation of the right to free speech, the right to vote, and the right to play heavy metal in loud volumes to coincide with Kolangal on Sun TV. As a mark of "rebellion", many students purposely took up a disobediance movement, and were found deliberately violating several college rules. Some of the rebels indulged in "anti-social" activities such as talking to members of the opposite sex, talking to first year students, and turning up to college in Jeans pants. One agitator was found to be peeping over the barricade between the men's and women's sections of the auditorium, thereby causing the wildest yet disturbance in the movment. College authorities are as yet unable to control the movement as they are in deep discussions about a completely different issue, where they are trying to reach a consensus on the right pay-rise to give to a member of the teaching staff who gave a first year student a love letter.
Friday, May 25.
New MMS Scandal
A new MMS scandal broke out when an Indian student took photos of people doing things, unaware they were being filmed, and posted them on video streaming websites like youtube and metacafe and gave them an 18+ rating. All major news channels extensively covered this scandal by playing them on TV over and over again without an 18+ rating. The outrage was further exacerbated by the fact that the student had performed modifications to the video such as morphing, three dimensional translation, rotation, and decreased the contrast, thereby making nothing visible anyway.
Monday, May 28.
Thomas Bayes Killed
Thomas Bayes, a 19th century non-conformist English clergyman met a gruesome death after he was swallowed and then regurgitated in disgust by a giant Cubic Spline. Doctors kept his dead body in the ICU for six hours debating whether to issue a statement saying he was strangled, or to issue a statement saying he was poisoned. Finally they couldn't hack the stench anymore and released the body to the bereaved in a large floppy parcel under the condition that they were not to open the package under any circumstances. A fall-out among his sons has been reported. Apparently they broke into a fight over who would inherit his laptop.
Monday, May 30.
Large departmental store Mal-Wart performed an analysis of all the transactions recorded in their databases using their new data mining system and came up with a few associations that ranged from being trivial (People who buy a computer mouse are likely to buy a mouse pad), to important (People who have money are likely to buy objects), to interesting (Men who buy diapers are most likely to buy beer), to the down-right weird (Men who do not buy condoms are most likely to end up buying permbulators). Of course their brand new system was not used for much as an unintimated power cut occurred that crashed the system which was not brought online for the rest of the day despite the best efforts of their computer engineers. Latest reports suggest they were now trying advanced heuristic techniques to get their system back online such as kicking the processor with leather boots and kneeling and praying.
This brings us to the end of this edition of the Fortnightly News. Till we see you next fortnight, thank you very much for joining us, stay tuned, take care and bye-bye.